Invest in your relationship

 

Invest in Your Relationship:

THE EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT

According to Dr. John Gottman, there’s another bank account that many people may not even be aware of and, hence, not managing correctly. This is the Emotional Bank Account.

An Emotional Bank Account works essentially the same as a financial bank account. When you turn toward your partner’s bids for connection, you are making a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account. When you turn away from your partner, you make a withdrawal.

Just like a real bank account, a zero balance is trouble, and a negative balance is the real danger zone. An Emotional Bank Account grows when partners make more deposits than withdrawals.

 

DEPOSITS

When you build up enough positive interactions with your partner, your emotional bank account is flourishing.

 

You feel relaxed and safe in the relationship.

If you have to withdraw (i.e. you have a fight or a bid fails), it doesn’t feel too bad and you recover easily.

You give each other the benefit of the doubt during conflict.

You know you have enough positive interactions saved up that you won’t end up in the red.

WITHDRAWLS

When you start to get too low on positive interactions, some anxiety in the relationship may set in.

 

You begin to feel that your relationship is in trouble.

You might start to question each other’s intentions and feel disconnected or even lonely.

You become extremely concerned and perhaps even frantic as to how you will build the relationship back up—just as we would feel frantic if our financial bank account dipped below $0.

The Emotional Bank Account can be managed with the 5:1 ratio. This is a very specific ratio that makes love last. It means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions. Having a ratio below 5:1 within conflict is one potential divorce indicator.

To keep your Emotional Bank Account flourishing, you need to make many more deposits than you do withdrawals. Couples should save up 20 positive interactions to every 1 negative to build their Emotional Bank Account.

Deposits can be big or small.

Here are everyday ways to make deposits into your emotional bank account:

Ways to Make Deposits into Your 

Emotional Bank Account

Turn towards your partner’s bids for connection

Bids for connection are verbal or non-verbal attempts a person makes to connect with their partner. They can be small or big, spoken or unspoken. Healthy couples constantly make and accept (turn towards) bids to connect.

Catch your partner doing something good

Notice what your partner does that you appreciate, even if it is something they do every day, and say thank you.

Give your partner a compliment

The most impactful compliments are ones about who your partner is as a person. For example, “I really love and appreciate how thoughtful you are of others.” Follow your compliment with a specific example of a time your partner demonstrated that trait.

Do something nice for them

We all have opportunities throughout our day to do something kind for our partner. Make them coffee in the morning, empty the dishwasher even though it isn’t your turn, or offer to cook dinner when you know they’ve had a hard day.

Show genuine interest in your partner and their world

Maintain curiosity about your partner and how their world may have changed recently. Engage and ask them questions about their day or their dreams. Showing interest sends the message that you care about your partner and their world is important to you.

Show your partner physical affection

This could include a six-second kiss before you walk out the door, a hug after returning home, holding their hand while watching TV, or snuggling up next to them in bed.

Give them a gift

Let your partner know that you are thinking of them in a tangible way. This can be large or small—it doesn’t matter the cost. Giving gifts is just one way to let your partner know you care about them.

Spend quality time with them

Plan a date night, a vacation, a cozy night in, or just a few minutes during the day to focus on each other without distractions. Spending quality time with your partner sends the message that they are important.

Support them emotionally

When your partner reaches toward you to express difficult emotions, listen to them and provide empathy and support. And when it comes to your partner’s goals and dreams, be sure to be their #1 fan.

BANK OF BIDS

Verbal:

questions, statements, or stories

Affectionate touching: back-slaps, handshakes, a pat, a squeeze, a kiss, a hug, or a back or shoulder rub

Facial expressions:

a smile, blowing a kiss, rolling your eyes, or sticking out your tongue

 

Playful touching: tickling, bopping, wrestling, dancing, or a gentle bump or shove

 

Affiliating gestures: opening a door, offering a place to sit, handing over a utensil, or pointing to a shared activity or interest

Vocalizing: laughing, chuckling, grunting, sighing, or groaning in a way that invites interaction or interest